Lemon Bars are admirable persuaders.  Sweet and tart, with a dense pasty crust, you’ll have no trouble finagling information with one of these puppies on hand.

Lemon Bars

Ingredients

• 1 1/2 cups all-purpose flour
• 2/3 cup confectioners’ sugar
• 3/4 cup butter or margarine, softened
• 6 eggs
• 1 3/4 cups white sugar
• 6 tablespoons all-purpose flour
• 1 cup lemon juice (preferrably Meyer)
• 1/3 cup confectioners’ sugar for decoration
• 3 drops yellow food coloring

Directions

Preheat the oven to 350 degrees F (190 degrees C). Grease a 9×13 inch baking pan.

Combine the flour, 2/3 cup confectioners’ sugar, and butter. Pat dough into prepared pan.

Bake for 15 minutes in the preheated oven, until slightly golden. While the crust is baking, whisk together eggs, white sugar, flour, and lemon juice until frothy. Pour this lemon mixture over the hot crust.

Return to the preheated oven for an additional 20 minutes, or until light golden brown. Cool on a wire rack. Dust the top with confectioners’ sugar. Cut into squares and prepare for the snitches to beat a path to your door.

Fast food corn dogs are way different from county fair corn dogs, we all know this from experience.  Beach dogs are another critter entirely.  They are a touch sweeter, use a thinner batter, and are made fresh to order. These are those dogs.

Beachside Corn Dogs

Ingredients

• 1 cup yellow cornmeal
• 1 cup all-purpose flour
• 1/4 tsp salt
• 1/8 tsp black pepper
• 1/4 cup white sugar
• 4 tsp baking powder
• 1 egg, beaten
• 1 cup milk
• 1 qt oil (for frying)
• 10 Hebrew National hot dogs
• 10 chopsticks

Preparation

In a medium bowl, mix together the cornmeal, flour, salt, pepper, sugar and baking powder.  Add in the egg and milk, and stir well to combine.

Preheat the oil in a deep pot over medium-high heat.  Target temperature is around 375 degrees.

Pat the hot dogs dry with paper towels, skewer them on the chopsticks (making sure they’ll fit down into the pot) and sprinkle them with flour.  You’re looking for the barest covering, so brush the flour off with your fingers, leaving a very light coating on the dog.

Pour a measure of the batter in a deep drinking glass, leaving about 2 to 3 inches of space at the top.  Don’t batter up the dogs all at once, do them one at a time as you need them.  And only cook about 2 or 3 at a time – whatever your pot will hold – about five minutes on a side, or until golden brown.  

Drain on a cooking rack over a sheet pan.

One of the great tragedies of this recipe is the inevitable leftover batter.  Don’t let this happen to you.  After the last dog has surfed the break, take a scoop of the remaining batter and drizzle it into the oil.  (Be careful here, you don’t want to take a nasty header and wind up wiped out in the burn ward.)  The batter doesn’t have to stay together, it will glop and glorp into various sized little pieces.  Yummy little pieces. Little mini slightly sweet hush puppy pieces. Even smaller little corny bread cracklin’ pieces. (Sorry, got carried away by the possibilities.) They only need to cook until golden, flip ‘em over to even out their tan, then scoop ‘em up with a spider or a slotted spoon.  Place on a rack or paper towel to cool a tiny bit. 

Apply powdered sugar, salt, butter, or even guacamole but they taste great plain too. If you are going to give these a dark tan, make the batter dribbles smaller, they crisp up nicely that way.  If you prefer a lighter color, make the glops bigger, they stay more tender.

Serve piping hot with the corndogs themselves and your choice of side item.

Cyclops Picnic

• Fricasseed Chicken
• Roasted Potatoes
• Corn on the Cob

Ingredients

• 6 chicken thighs, 6 chicken legs (skin removed)
• 6 tbsp all-purpose flour
• 1/2 tsp salt
• 1/2 tsp pepper
• 1 tsp garlic powder
• 1/2 tsp dried thyme
• 1/2 stick butter
• 1 cup diced onion
• 1/2 cup diced celery
• 1 cup water
• 2 bay leaves
• 1/4 cup milk

• 8 medium russett potatoes (quartered/eighthed)
• 5 tbsp olive oil
• 1 tbsp kosher salt
• 1/2 tbsp garlic powder
• 1 tsp paprika
• 1 tsp coarse ground black pepper

• 4 to 6 ears of white/yellow corn

Preparation

Before starting the chicken, prep the potatoes. Scrub them clean (do not peel) and then quarter them longways. If they’re large potatoes, you might want to even half the quarters. Like so:

Bring a pot of water to boil (always add salt, and a tiny bit of oil to prevent boil-overs if you like) and cook the potatoes about 10 minutes. Remove them to a large bowl and run cold water over them until completely cool. Drain and pat the potatoes dry. Place them in on a foil-covered baking sheet (or a disposable foil roasting pan) and add the oilve oil, kosher salt, garlic powder, paprika and black pepper, and toss to coat. Bake them in a 450 degree oven for about 20 minutes. Check the texture at this point, you may want to flip on the broiler for about 10 minutes to finish crisping them up. The finished product:

For the chicken, in a large plastic freezer bag, combine the flour, salt, pepper and thyme. Add the chicken pieces one at a time and shake to coat. In a heavy skillet, over medium-high heat, brown the chicken pieces in the butter. Be careful to not burn the butter, it has a high smoke point and will char if given half a chance. But the flavor it adds…oh the flavor. Mm, where were we? Ah yes… Set the chicken aside after browning, and, in the same skillet, saute the onion and celery until just tender. Return the chicken to the pan, add the water and bay leaves, and bring to a boil. Cover the pan and let simmer for about 30 minutes, turning the pieces occasionally, until the chicken juices run clear.

Place the left over flour mixture in a bowl and stir in the milk until it’s all smooth. Stir this mixture into the pan juices. Bring it back to a boil, stirring constantly until thickened. Dump the bay leaf and serve over the chicken.

The corn just really needs to be warmed up. You can do this in a pot of boiling water, or however you prefer. Serve it all together, disdain the silverware and have handy lots of napkins.

In the words of Big Dan Teague, “here endeth the lesson.”

Triple G’s Snickerdoodles

Ingredients

• 2 3/4 cups all-purpose flour
• 1 tsp baking soda
• 1/2 tsp salt
• 1/2 cup shortening
• 1 stick (8 tbsp) unsalted butter, softened
• 1 1/2 cups sugar, plus 3 tbsp
• 2 large eggs
• 1 tbsp cinnamon, ground

Preparation

Preheat the oven to 350 degrees.

Mix flour, baking soda and salt in a bowl.

In a separate bowl, beat together the shortening and butter. And seriously, people, here is where you want a stand mixer. This is mine, and I could not love it more had I given birth to it myself:

Onward. To the beating shortening/sugar mix, add the 1 1/2 cups of sugar and continue beating until it is fully combined and getting towards fluffy (about 5 mins). Add the eggs, one at a time, beating well after each addition. Add the flour (slowly, if you value your kitchen surfaces) and keep blending until smooth.

Mix the 3 tbsp sugar with the cinnamon in a shallow pan or dish. Roll chunks of dough between your (clean) palms to form 1 1/2 inch balls. Roll the balls in the cinnamon sugar mixture, then place on parchment paper-covered baking sheets. Flatten the balls into 1/2 inch thick disks (the smooth bottom of a 1 cup size dry-measure cup works bang-up for this). We put 12 on each half-sheet pan, evenly spaced, YMMV*.

Bake for about 12 or 15 minutes, depending on your oven. The cookies should be light brown on the edges. Cool (or don’t) and dig in.

Naturally, when we started this site, Schnitzel on a Stick was one of the very first items on the list.

Schnitzel on a Stick (with bonus Spaetzle)

Ingredients

For the Schnitzel

• Veal or pork tenderloin, cut in 1 inch wide, 5 inch long strips and pounded thin
• bamboo skewers
• wheat flour
• eggs
• breadcrumbs
• kosher salt
• black pepper
• lard

For the Spaetzle

• 1 cup all-purpose flour
• 1 tsp salt
• 1/2 tsp ground pepper
• 2 large eggs
• 1/4 cup milk
• 3 tbsp butter
• sturdy hole-y spoon

Preparation

If planning to serve these together, and why wouldn’t you, prep the spaetzle first.

In a large bowl, combine the flour, salt and pepper. In a separate bowl, whisk together the eggs and milk. Make a well in the center of the flour mixture and pour in the egg mixture. Stir in wide circles, gradually drawing the flour into the egg mixture, until all is combined. It will be a batter-y consistency, not actual dough. Let it rest for 15 minutes.

In a large pot, boil up 2 quarts of salted water, then take it back down to a simmer. To form the spaetzle, scoop a largish glop of batter onto a spoon with smallish holes (or a colander) and using something not-sticky (like a silicone spatula spritzed with non-stick spray!), press the batter through the spoon holes using a twisting motion as you press to force the pieces to drop. It’s not a perfect system, and no doubt why there’s a thriving spaetzle-making-machine industry.

Do this in small batches, letting each cook about 3 to 4 minutes, and is all floating on top of the water. Scoop it out, rinse in cool water to prevent sticking, and proceed with the rest.

After the spaetzle has had its hot tub encounter, it’s time to start the schnitzel.

Preparation

Remove connective tissue from the loin and (if not already done by your butcher) slice in half lengthwise. You’re aiming for 6 inch long pieces, about 1 inch thick. Once all the meat is cut, start pounding the pieces flat with a handy pounding tool (actual mallet or a heavy saucier). Then weave the pieces longways onto bamboo skewers.

Heat a heavy skillet over medium high heat and melt enough lard to make a 1/4″ deep pool of nommy delicious fat.

Set up your breading station with wheat flour in the first tray, beaten egg in the second tray, and bread crumbs in the third tray. Before starting, sprinkle all the meat with kosher salt and black pepper.

Yes, kosher salt on schnitzel…try and overcome the irony.

Working in batches of four or so (depending on how large a skillet you are using) coat each meat-stick thoroughly in the wheat flour, then in the egg, then in the bread crumbs. Place in the skillet and jump back. This is definitely a DCWS (Don’t Cook Without Shirt) dish, as Bottle Washer found out much to his dismay.

Let cook until beautifully brown, between 3 and 4 minutes on each side depending on how hot your skillet gets. Drain on a paper towel covered something. Repeat until all are finished.

Now, back to the spaetzle… Melt the butter in a medium sized skillet or saucier, and toss in the spaetzle. Stir to coat thoroughly and cook for just a few minutes to warm through and give it some pretty color.

Serve immediately and try not to stab yourself in the back of the throat in your haste to consume the schnitzels.

As a bonus, Karl’s Schnitzel Song from the movie Hoodwinked:

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n34bK7oGwOA[/youtube]

I submit to you that ordering take-out whilst attempting to crack a bank vault might not be the most brilliant idea, however.

Fish and Chips

Chips Ingredients

• 1 gallon oil (safflower, canola, your choice)
• 4 large russet potatoes, washed and unpeeled
• kosher salt (pepper too, if desired)

Fish Ingredients

• 2 cups all-purpose flour
• 1 tbsp baking powder
• 1 tsp kosher salt
• 1/4 tsp ancho chile powder
• 1 bottle of brown beer
• 1 1/2 lbs of white fish (cod, haddock, tilapia) cut into 1 oz strips
• Cornstarch, for dredging

Preparation

Heat oven to 250 degrees.

Heat the oil in a deep fryer (or cast iron dutch oven on the stovetop) to 320 degrees.

Using a mandoline with a wide V blade (we used the ruffle slicer in this case), slice the potatoes and place slices into a large bowl of cold water. 

In a bowl, combine the flour, baking powder, salt, and ancho chile powder.  Whisk in the beer until the batter is smooth and lump-free.  Unlike Dave.  Poor, poor Dave.

Anyway, where were we…  Ah yes, drain the potatoes completely, and pat dry with paper towels.  Start frying the potatoes in small batches, frying for 2 or 3 minutes until they’re floppy, then remove them from the oil.  Let them drain on a wire rack over paper towels or newspaper, and cool to room temperature.

Increase the oil temperature to 375 degrees and put the chips back in, cooking until crisp and golden brown, about 2 to 3 minutes.  Remove, drain, season with kosher salt (and pepper if you like) and hold in the warm oven.

Bring the oil back up to 350 degrees.  Dredge the fish strips in the cornstarch.  In small batches, dip the fish bits into the batter and put into the oil.  Success Tip:  Wait til the batter sets up to turn them over.  Cook all until golden brown, about 2 minutes, then remove from the oil and drain on the wire rack. 

Serve with malt vinegar, ketchup, bbq sauce, whatever floats your boat.  We like Wickle Tartar Sauce….

Wickle Tartar Sauce Ingredients

• 2 cups mayonnaise (Kraft, fer crissakes, not that Miracle Whip crap)
• 1/4 cup lemon juice
• 1/4 cup Wickle relish (if you can’t find this in your local grocery, berate them soundly then order it from their web store)

Preparation

Mix everything thoroughly and chill.  Or not.  Nom nom nom.

Chotchke’s Extreme Fajitas

Marinade

• 1/4 cup lime juice
• 1/3 cup water
• 2 tbsp olive oil
• 4 cloves garlic, crushed
• 2 tsp soy sauce
• 1 tsp salt
• 1 tsp cumin
• 1 tsp cayenne pepper
• 1/2 tsp liquid smoke
• 1/2 tsp ground black pepper

Preparation

In a large plastic freezer bag, mix together all ingredients. Place the meat in the bag and refrigerate overnight.

Fajita Ingredients

• 1 lb flank or skirt steak (cut off the long bits of connective tissue on the bottom, if any)
• 1 medium white onion
• 1 large red bell pepper
• kosher salt, black pepper, garlic powder (Holy Trinity)

“Extreme” Sauce

• 4 tsp Adobo paste
• 1/2 cup hot water
• 1 tbsp kosher salt
• 2 tbsp ancho chili powder

Preparation

Peel the onion and slice into thin strips. De-seed the red bell pepper and slice into thin strips.

Mix the adobo with the hot water until dissolved, then stir in the ancho chili powder.

Heat a cast iron skillet to rocket-hot and drizzle in olive oil. Rub the skirt steak with the Holy Trinity and place in the oil. Sear on both sides, about 2 miinutes each (4 mins if thicker than 1 inch). Remove from heat and let rest for 10 minutes. Slice thinly across the grain.

Into the leftover oil and meat juice, slide the onion and bell pepper slices. Add one third of the adobo mixture to the pan and toss veggies to coat. Saute, tossing often, until onions are soft. Remove to a serving bowl and keep warm.

Put the sliced meat back into the pan, and add the rest of the adobo mixture, tossing to coat. Let this cook until the sauce thickens a bit.

Serve with the veggies on warm flour tortillas. Top as desired with cheese, lettuce, diced tomatoes, guacamole, sour cream and your favorite hot sauce.

Now, can we talk about your TPS reports?

Brodie

(Mallrats – 1995)

Quint eventually got to sample that cookie but in all the other hubbub, never managed to confirm their relative level of awesomeness.

We think these should put that question to rest… 

Cookie Stand Cookies

Ingredients

• 1 cup all-purpose flour
• 3/4 teaspoon baking soda
• 1/4 teaspoon salt
• 1/2 cup (1/4 lb.) melted butter or margarine
• 1/2 cup firmly packed brown sugar
• 1/3 cup granulated sugar
• 1/2 teaspoon vanilla
• 1 package (6 oz.) or 1 cup semisweet chocolate chips

Preparation

Preheat oven to 300 degrees.

Mix together the flour, baking soda and salt. 

In a separate bowl, mix together the melted butter, brown sugar, granulated sugar, 3tbsp water and vanilla until fully blended. 

Stir the flour mixture into the butter mixture, then stir vigorously until blended. 

Stir in the chocolate chips.

Line two sheet pans with parchment paper.  To apportion out the cookies, you can use a spoon, your hands, whatever…we use a size 20 ice cream scoop, lightly sprayed with Pam non-stick spray to keep the dough from sticking.  Scoop cookie dough onto each pans, leaving about four inches between each scoop as they will expand. 

Bake for about 20 minutes until browner (than the actual color of the dough) around the edges. 

Let the cookies sit on the pans for about five minutes then transfer them to a cooling rack.  Or devour, whichever.

A delectable alternative to chocolate chips is malted milk balls, though this does change the chemistry of the cookies, and I’d use a skosh less butter, reduce the stick by about 2 tbsp.

Just remember that the cookie stand is an autonomous eatery for mid-mall snacking, NOT part of the food court.  We’re not talking quantum physics here.

After the capture of Wade in their small town, rancher Dan Evans takes him to his house to lie low for a while before making the run through Indian territory, and Ben’s extremely pissed off gang, to the train station in Yuma.  Evans’ wife Alice prepares a meal for everyone, featuring very thin steaklets, pan roasted potatoes and sweet corn.  If you’ve seen the movie, just try to keep your mind OFF the eventual usage of those stylish two-tined forks!

Outlaw Supper

Overview:  Yearning for a bit of authenticity as we are, everything is done in stages, in a single cast-iron skillet.  And, don’t panic, lard is used.  Hey, I said “authenticity.”  Farm wives had no Crisco, you know.  But if the idea of lard dismays, you can quite easily substitute the fat of your choice.

Ingredients

• Sirloin tip steaks, very thin cut (think 3 or so per person)
• 3 large russett potatoes, cut in 1 inch cubes
• 6 ears of sweet white corn, de-silked and cut off the cobb
• 1/2 diced white onion
• Lard
• Butter
• Kosher salt, pepper and garlic powder (hereafter known as the Holy Trinity)

Preparation

In a large cast iron skillet over high heat, melt a few tablespoons of lard.  Add the onion and the Holy Trinity and saute until fragrant and starting to brown.  Add the cubed potatoes in one layer and Don’t Touch Them for a good fifteen minutes, or until they start to get a nice brown crust on the bottom.  Once this happens, sprinkle the tops with the Holy Trinity and then flip them over in batches, so the un-crusted part is now in contact with the pan.  Add more lard if things start to get dry or stick.  Once the second side starts to brown (about 10 to 15 minutes later), throw in a few generous dollops of butter, and stir the potatoes around with a wooden spoon.  Once they’ve had the chance to absorb the butter, push the whole mess to the back side of the skillet.

In the cleared area, add as many of the steaklets as will fit.  If they’re as thin as our butcher cuts them, you will only need a 2 minute sear on each side, just enough to brown the outside nicely.  The potatoes should be done through and fork-tender by the time the steaks are done, so go ahead and remove them into a separate bowl.

Remaining in the pan is a lovely brown, buttery, steaky sort of gravy.  Into this goes the corn.  Let it go for a few minutes until it soaks up the wonderful gravy and warms through.

Serve everything immediately with your favorite bread and a stiff beer.  And keep not thinking about the fork…